Steven Wright

"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

"How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?"

"If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something."

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."

"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."

"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."

"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature."

I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right."

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."

"I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time."

"Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?"

"I bought some dehydrated water, but I don't know what to add to it."

"I spilled Spot Remover on my dog. Now he's gone."

"I invented the cordless extension cord."